Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize