apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
