I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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