i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
