Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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