I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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