i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
