I'm drive I can fine osifer
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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