How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
