I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
