Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
