I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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