my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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