His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
