Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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