I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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