i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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