Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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