I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
