We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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