I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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