oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
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I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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