Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
