Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Drake has all the answers
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
