We got so high we made milksteak
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
