I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
