Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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