I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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