so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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