so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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