4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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