I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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