You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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