y did u give ur computer a hand job?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
