Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
