Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
