You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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