I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
