i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
