I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
