I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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