My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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