I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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