It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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