trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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