my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
