I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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