Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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