I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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