sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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