You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
