I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
