he laminated a picture of his dick.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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