its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
