She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
