make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
